No Regrets

Guinevere could barely drag her feet as she left the castle bath. The servants were preparing the castle for winter by trading in the light summer bedclothes for heavy winter blankets and laying down warm fur rugs. The male servants were stocking wood for the hearths, and heavy curtains were being put up to keep cold air out from drafty windows. The castle was being scrubbed and polished until it gleamed, and Gwen had worked with the other servants see the job done.

She’d spent most of her day on her hands and knees, sweeping, moping, scrubbing, and beating out rugs, not to mention hanging heavy laundry: half of which would be put away until they were needed next spring, and the other half was being brought out for winter. Now she was exhausted, and wanted only to get to sleep.

Once Morgana was settled in for the night, Gwen would walk home and pray she wouldn’t oversleep, for she had the same routine to look forward to for the next two days. By the time it was over not a servant in Camelot would be good for anything, though that wouldn’t matter. They would plow on and serve anyway. They had no other choice.

As tired as she was, Gwen had no complaints. The hard work during the day kept her mind off of Lancelot and Arthur, and the weariness at night made her sleep so deeply that they couldn’t invade her dreams; or if they did, she wasn’t aware of it the next day.

After a perfunctory knock, Gwen pushed the door to Morgana’s quarters open. “Morgana? I wanted to check to see—Oh, dear! I’m so sorry!”

Morgana wasn’t alone in her quarters. It had taken Gwen a moment to realize what her mistress was doing naked and rocking her hips back and forth. She pulled the door closed and, her face hot with embarrassment and shock (embarrassment at catching Morgana in such an intimate act, and shock that it was with Merlin of all people), Gwen decided to hurry home.

She rounded the corner and found Arthur leaning against the window, looking out into the night and watching Camelot glitter in the darkness. Her stomach clenched upon seeing him. Not all of it was Arthur alone, but the idea of him catching Morgana and Merlin in flagrante delicto. He’d take it to the King, and the King would have Merlin’s head.

“Sire. I wouldn’t bother Lady Morgana this evening. She’s finally gotten to sleep.”

Gwen cast a nervous glance back at Morgana’s door and prayed no sudden loud noises would betray Gwen as a liar. Arthur snorted.

“You’re an awful liar, Guinevere. Morgana isn’t sleeping. She’s…borrowing my manservant. Third time this week, actually. Shall I walk you home? The hour is late.”

Gwen nodded, and Arthur fell into step beside her. They were silent all the way out of the castle, which was fine with Gwen since anything they said could only lead to trouble for both of them, should anyone report them to the king.

“I saw you working today,” Arthur finally said, as they left the castle grounds and started on the street to her house. It was quiet, with nearly everyone too exhausted with the extra workload to want to stay up, though the knights of Camelot were on duty as usual. They nodded as they passed the prince and the handmaiden.

“Every hand is needed,” Gwen replied, as they came to her door. They were finally alone, though they knew their voices would carry in the still, cool air. Gwen held the door open, and Arthur came in and waited while she shut the door and then lit a few candles to illuminate the room. She came to a stop before him, and it wasn’t lost on Arthur that they were standing in the exact same spot as when they shared their first kiss.

“I hate to see you toil so, Guinevere. You should be the one who is served, not the one to serve.”

“Sire…”

Arthur swallowed and took a step back from her. “Forgive me. It is vulgar of me to be so familiar with another man’s lover.”

“I am not Lancelot’s lover.”

Arthur moved close, his handsome face eloquent with longing and confusion alike.

“Then what are you? What do you see in him that you do not see in me?”

“A future,” Gwen whispered.

Her words caused many emotions to pass across Arthur’s face: hurt, anger, regret. Embattled with himself, Arthur raised his fists and then unclenched them before taking Gwen by the shoulders.

“Do you love him?”

“Yes. I think…oh…I don’t know!”

Still holding her tight by the shoulders, Arthur pulled Gwen to him in a hard kiss. He wanted her to understand how much he loved and desired her. He had darker intentions too—he wanted to possess her, to lay claim to her so that no other man could ever come between them. It makes him feel like a low-brow pig, but those are his true feelings.

They can barely breathe when they finally pull apart. Their hearts pound, their bodies tremble with longing for what can never be.

“Do you love him?” Arthur asked again.

“I think I will always have feelings for him. I cared for Lancelot when I first met him, on his first visit to Camelot. I can’t deny it. I can’t lie about it.

Her words wounded Arthur. She could see it.

“It would be unfair to ask you to waste your life waiting for me. You have every right to move on—”

“Arthur…I love you too.”

Arthur sighed, the tension ebbing from his body. “You must be terribly conflicted.”

He was surprised when Gwen shook her head. “No. If our stations in life didn’t matter, if I a choice, I would choose you, Arthur. I would chose you without hesitation, without regret, and with so much joy in my heart.”

“Guinevere,” Arthur said breathlessly. His desire for her burned strong again, as though she’d added oil to the fire in his heart, and in his body. “We don’t have to deny ourselves.”

“What are you saying?”

“We can have what Merlin and Morgana have. I desire you so. Do you not desire me as well?”

“Of course I do, but it will never work, Arthur. Do you know how terribly it would hurt if Uther forces you into a noble marriage and I have to give you up? Would you have me live as your mistress while you betray your wife?”

Arthur swallowed and shook his head no. “I’m sorry. I’m being selfish.”

Gwen touched Arthur’s face tenderly. “I love you.”

“And I love you.”

“I would give you whatever you asked, Arthur. I want us to enjoy what Merlin and Morgana have now, but how long will it last for them? At some point it will have to end, and the pain they feel will break their hearts…”

Arthur released Gwen and backed away. “You’re right. We should save ourselves the heartache. It’s just that…we’ll miss so much. I don’t want the regret of missed opportunities in my life, and I know you don’t want that either.”

He opened the door and stepped into the cool of night.

“Arthur, wait.”

He froze, not daring to look back.

“Stay.”

Turning around, Arthur came back into Gwen’s humble home, and locked the door behind him.